Baggage Allowance

I had to think about whether this was an age related post or not. I usually date men who are older than me. Not by choice, but I tend to liken to relating to somebody who can hold a conversation or can show some interest than what is playing on the screen at the time or who else is in the room. Then for the past several weeks of 2012 Winter, I have had younger men propose to me for some time for a drink, to which I laughed off with close friends, till they asked, “why not?” “Take it as a compliment”- what, that I look young for them?, a private nuisance of my own, that I am fully aware women spend millions on the beauty industry to reverse aging, and here I am on a one-woman mission hide my youthful appearance to be taken seriously. No. They couldn’t possibly be serious? I had thought about it for a few nights, and I’m in a position where I have no desire to rush down the aisle, or to be tied down in desperation to not be alone. I am merely enjoying my own company and anything extra should be the cherry to enjoy things together. “It doesn’t have to be anything serious” as they were saying…

After an exchange of details, and few messages, it becomes very clear in a alarmingly manner, how one moment it is all niceties  and then these young chaps, seem to dump their problems onto you, or it feels the tap has been turned on fully to me, sharing their needs and how they have miserably gone wrong before. Gosh if that isn’t a turnoff for any possible date, what would be? I am a listener its been told, a very good one.

I wanted first drinks to be jolly, fun and light hearted, not have the night turn into a Dear Deidre evening and the chance of some young man downing his sorrows with his head on the cocktail table next to me. I could imagine neighboring city types glancing over wondering who brought in the sobbing child into this establishment, with my face going red.

Thing is I can read in to their problems. Not only what they were sharing with me, but in the way they were acting, the usual not replying and their way of speaking, revealed more than a Jerry Springer show to me. I understood them. They had been hurt by some young crush or long relationship during their years of term time trying to prepare themselves for adult life. Now where was that degree and course about how to handle What To Do When Life Sucks?

Nothing can prepare you for breakups, what to do with the items your ex has left at your place, or how you will be welling when you find your ex’s tee-shirt in the laundry from when you had that perfect summer together. No. Nothing can get you ready, mind or heart. Your friends can support you. A rebound will comfort your ego for 24hours. But nothing can erase the memories or closeness you shared. My friends frequently ask how I do it so easily. Well, not that I am proud of the “Ice Queen” moniker, I simply learn to accept things as they are. This applies to everything in life. Of course I have great expectation and aspirations, dreams and goals. But I also know when to accept, adapt to move on. You have to. Else you will wake up from a tear soaked pillow realising that the world hasn’t stopped and that life does go on. Time is that funny thing and saying it to a younger person, will not help, as what time have they possibly earned at such a young age? It not as straight forward as 4days and 2 hours to get over that ex. No, along with it, does come the lump in the throat and sharp pain in the chest, but you then have the experience, when you look at it in daylight, realising that it weren’t meant to be. That these pains you feel, is what makes you.

Baggage is what you gain and pick up. Bags of experience. But what you mustn’t do, is take them into your new person’s home. Yes you may bring them in from the cold into the warm and new hallway, but perhaps try putting them down a bit. You may feel your shoulders a bit lighter and you’re freer to move about a bit and explore new thoughts and feelings. Its that coaxing, without pressure, as some people feel the need to hold securely what they knew, how familiar things were, at the same time, you just have to be patient, everyone has a rucksack, some may have an extra holdall, or packed long term, but eventually, they will accumulate, you cannot hold more than your two arms carry. So whoever you find next, to reassure you, to make you feel safe and most of all, happy, you will slowly find no reason to not let go. 

I’ve seen horribly helplessly from the side where I am passing over the new cube of tissues to my male friends, how females have broken up with them repeatedly for not remembering what she likes on the menu. Thing is it happens on both sides, when they bring up, that their exes knew what they liked. Ouch.

But does baggage allowance dependent on the age of the aircraft carrier? You’d think that the older you are, the more bags you pick up. Some baggage includes children’s school bags and some even nappy satchels. Some may be some high maintenance LV travel trunks or legal divorce briefcases. Baggage is baggage. Yet from comparison of the recent younger men’s 18-30’s flight, not that they were young as that, but you get the metaphor, it seems that with age, you prefer to travel light, you prefer to make the most of each trip, only carrying what essentials you need. You become less materialistic, and valuing what is important in life, which folds as neatly and flat as a subway map into your blazer pocket.

I now ask, would I still go out with these younger men? Is it really all that it cracks up to be? Are they really as fun as I had been promised? I’m obviously not vouching for all younger men in the population. But a handful in such short space of time, surely not. All having some sort of need to offload to me.  If so, could they perhaps check it in in the cloakroom on the way in? Maybe I shouldn’t be as patient and understanding to listen to them pour their hearts. Oh gosh, i just thought of something as I think type this. Maybe its not them, but what they have experienced could be their previous partners weren’t able to listen to their needs.  Hmm. As I reflect this new discovery of thought, the reverse for them to be with an older woman. What would I offer? Someone who knows what they want in life, who is much calmer (than them it seems), who has her own income, is decisive and I guess overall, just knows herself and is happy in her own skin.

Everyone has baggage. I just have to decide whether I am in for the longer haul of checking in larger luggage items, helping and understanding, or whether its a quick stopover and less security checks of what is actually inside the case. The fact I care, but at the same time understand its one of life’s learning curves, surely I am patient enough to be a friend than ban any dodgy looking cases. As 2013 has started great catching up with many friends, I just ask for a smoother flight and no distractions, stresses or turbulence  So along with others, bring your baggage, but make sure you remember pick it back up and next time to pack much much less like a weekend size bag or man bag for the first meet. Remember first dates, no removal boxes…  you’re not moving in.


– xx –

More fish… in the wood work

So I’m one of those whom stay in touch with everyone including exes. Who has the time to make enemies I say.  I discovered someone was attracted to me over Christmas. I hadn’t gotten to know Beanie because we were surrounded by others but he had taken my number to offer me a lift home. After exchanges of messages, he reveals how he feels since meeting me, of he couldn’t stop thinking about me over the busy festive period. I asked if he was involved, and he said sadly yes, he had just started seeing someone for a few dates and didn’t feel what he had hoped with her. He retracted his answer to go for a drink originally, with both of us understanding. I’m not one to want to ruin anything between two people and I offered best wishes for him. I didn’t even know if i liked him yet, but because we would be around each other again next Christmas, I wanted to clear the air and offered I held no resentment and would be still friends.

Then only days ago, on Friday I heard from Beanie Man. He apologised for the delay and he was in town. He had had a few drinks. My mind raced as to why now, why was he contacting me. He no longer was with her. Understood. He hadn’t been able to get me out of his mind.

I was to have a busy weekend. 2013 has been a great start. I had made big decisions in 2012 to take on smaller projects, so I could have more time for me, for my friends and people around me that matter. I have a strong base of friends, but I felt I was always in a rush dashing from one event to the next, that 2013, already I feel a difference, a breath of fresh air catching up with people I haven’t spoken in years and meeting new halves and I’ve yet the challenge of meeting new babies in addition. So i hadn’t had any chance to think if I had thought of Beanie Man or even where I was to be. I made my mind 2013 will be more of a Yes year. I am not on a race to find “The One” as they say. So why not enjoy myself.

“I don’t know how to speak to women, that’s why I’m single” Beanie Man claimed to me. Whoa. How did the conversation between us get so deep already? I must admit, he wasn’t that great at hearing how he sounds. He was one of the younger ones (which I will no doubt have that as one of my posts) but were younger men on a different level of only thinking about themselves? By just that single statement, it somehow stayed in my mind. One minute we are messaging each other, then we are being adult by letting each other get on with your own life, and now he is back in contact. What is it he wants? More to the point, do I still want to know? I guess that statement sticks in my mind, as to why do most younger men feel the need to mention

“I’m not looking for anything serious as I’ve just broken up from a four year relationship” says Grad, after having asked me out for drinks before Christmas.

It’s as if by saying such bold statements, they have built a fence around so that nothing in the slightest was to happen. In my mind, all i can think of is “Hell yeah. Who’s buying first round?” Are relationship issues on men’s minds more than we assume?

I had met Tyler at an Photography exhibition late Autumn last year. He was very kind, a gent. We had hooked up, but I never heard from him again. That is till two days ago over the weekend. So in the space of couple of months, I have had people who I haven’t heard in months, and out of the blue, want to contact me. The only similarities I have between them is they are younger. Tyler contacted me with a what I’d admit to as quite a good apology for his lame action as he didn’t know how to approach me, yet he knew his silence was not at all classy. This was his attempt at correcting such fault that he was aware of. I’ll post more about Tyler, but he wants to talk to me, at the same time, he is saying “I don’t want to lead you on like some dickhead”, “Fun is fun” and in the same breathe he is wanting to be friends and see where we go, being not a fan of casualness. I replied in a swooping message which made him chuckle, that I wasn’t asking him to get married. He laughed saying he just weren’t used to such directness. It hit home for him, that in no way had I suggested commitment, but only a drink and how his New Years was.

How is it young men today are carrying so much baggage so early on?

Beanie’s personality reminds me of one of my exes. The need to state where he is and what it will be, is his way of controlling so he won’t get hurt or be where he doesn’t. I’ve encouraged Grad to get out there, go travel, go meet people. He can’t be wanting to see me, at the same time open up that he has just left a four year relationship. That’s got baggage written all over it. Then we have Tyler. Him wanting to calmly meet me, wants to know me, but doesn’t want to draw sign any papers.

So i have a few possible dates lined up. As Single girl coming back out to play in 2013, I have a strange sense of being in control. I can choose if I want to go on these dates. I can choose what dates as to what an when. After all, it is just a drink. A meeting, face to face, see how we get on. Enjoy several hours together with company. As i clear more diary space for life, it’s important, as dates, more than or just as friends, the people you choose to spend those hours with, should end result make you smile. Laugh even. My perspective is to take it a day at a time. If things weren’t meant to happen, then you never know, timing may not be right and there’s plenty of fish in the wood work….


– xx –