It’s been a while since I have posted. I do apologise. I have been busy. Many things have happened and many new people have been met and dated. One story stays in my mind to share. I thought I had shunned and closed the book on Beanie a while back.

For him to reappear, he had wanted to know what I thought of him, as to why i didn’t want to. I thought of how there was no connection, and it was the most unconnected feeling I’ve experienced. I don’t mean unpleasant, but just nothing. In conversation, he was not sparking me to want to ask more about him, or want to amuse or entertain further. I had said he was attractive, but behind that, there was nothing of interest. He was impolite the last time and I will always make time for polite people and genuine considerate people. But even physically there was nothing there. I didn’t want to find myself in that awkward situation again. For him he loved it. He wanted to know what I thought… and I’m not one to lie..

Vanilla was the word that could only spring to mind and sum up the feeling.

It was just not happening for me. And I didn’t know what else I could say or contribute. Only for him not to be angry or insulted, he actually wanted to know more and ask how else he could be better…. ! I was helpless. He was probably moving worlds for others, some people like vanilla…

Colleagues were amused by my predicament. What could I say without hurting his feelings? They had pointed out if a guy is to ask that, then he would have to be open to whatever replies could be returned.

It was as if I was dumping him or something because of the way he is. I felt awful.

I hope wherever Beanie is, he has met someone who loves this traditional and favourite of millions. I just can’t help it if I am intrigued by varieties on offer, types, extra toppings, scoops, cones, tubs, old favourites, Heston creations.. but just not something that I expect…

There’s something for everyone. So go out and have fun


Freed of hope.

You live for hope. The goals and dreams you work hard for. Your personal achievements. On dates, you hope you both get along, that they understand you, that you like them. You look for connections in friends and being heard when it matters. I encourage positive around me for something to strive for. To motivate each and everyone a reason to get out of bed and keep going. But when is hope a negative thing? When I am to let an ex know…

So out of the woodwork, for those who have read one of recent posts, came out an ex, who seemed to have realised his mistakes and errors of his ways and wanted to make amends.

Yes I’ve been waiting by the phone and mail box all these years, hanging on for his change of mind to grow up and to utter those tiny but significant words of apology. Right? Course not. Who would in their right mind do that? But is the lesson learned?

Or has the ex run into a drought and into a dry patch and only seeks after my friendly companionship.

He argued saying how I was not to judge him for his past mistakes and that he had changed. But what else have I to compare this with, from familiar experience of him promising one thing and then completely ruining things time and time again, leaving me to pick up the pieces and fixing us. I began to be exhausted.

I had always felt I would have a place for him no matter what. But somehow just his replies.. I felt strangely unconnected, or just looking at him standing there visually in my mind instead, looking very on his own, or perhaps I mean, just me looking at him, rather than happy to hear from him or think of laughs and memories shared. For first time and now hearing from him, I didn’t feel anything but numbness, and me just watching him in my mind. Pause.

He had always been something special. When we first met something he had said when I asked him about a word, was what kept my attention. He was different. I had been patient with his soon to be what I discovered, months of back and forth of him being scared, wanting to be close, but then running away. Soon I began stop questioning if it was myself, but I would just expect the same routine, till it had to stop. Years past, where I hadn’t heard from him. It upset me as much as everything we had been through. Only for him to out of the blue tell me the past few years, he couldn’t approach me, or see me, as he was still getting over me. He couldn’t handle seeing me, as he felt so much. I was stunned when i learnt of this. But what was I do to do with this information when I was at the time involved with someone. He looked sad.

Years past and I heard he had met someone and was happily moving in with her. Brilliant I felt. I was really happy for him, then not even six months on, he wanted to meet up with me over a football game, and for him to tell me they had broken up and he was moving out of the country. How I was supposed to react, I’m not sure or what response he wanted, I could only digest this news. Which brings us roughly to now, where the last time I had seen him, he decided to open up to me, for the very first time, only it was not the best place, the noisiest bar, with people trying to chat to us, heavily on cocktails and very very late in the night that I was seated next to the speakers of the live band playing and gave the wrong reaction when I couldn’t hear what was being said from him. He caught the next day flight and I hadnt heard from him, or what exactly he was trying to say to me after all these years. To me, him running away, meant he hadn’t changed at all. So why was he trying to contact me again?

This post has been written in fragments due to I had to stop midway, but it only confirms with a week later, that things drastically change in life, and nothing does stay the same. His hope? It was to be ready to get back together, now he was ready. I’ve tried to word this so it makes sense, but it simply doesn’t. My expectations of his issues and my own life goals have changed. I’ve moved on. Just because is ready and happy smiling, i had to tell it to him straight, it just wouldnt work, and when that fell on deaf ears, I had to be even more direct and share that I no longer hold any feelings of that kind to want to get back together.

I offered to be friends. I know. But I do remain friends with my exes and have good friendships. Though he seemed to be in some sort of denial of how he is. He seemed to agree to everything I said, and from knowing him inside and out, I was sad that he had lost that genuine side of him when I first met. He was trying so hard now, I looked upon him and could see loneliness. Confusion in his words of what lies ahead of him.

So i was out last night and had some very young lads trying their best to convince me to want to know them. I replied politely, and was generic and vague with my answers. I’m not one to be harsh to be rude, but I knew i was old enough to be his big big sister and I wasn’t one to prove that all girls are nasty. I would not want him to put off to his next girl he spotted. So where is the line of where you give and encourage hope, yet the same time you need to be honest and tell people up front, before it gets out of hand?

For me, I’d rather be told for example if I am going out, and I am running late or I am unable to attend, I would rather let that person know to not have them be kept waiting, or be told if for them, they weren’t interested or was involved. I simply, to go back to this, would not like to be playing mind games, as its cruel and it’s better to know where you stand, so you are able to make your own decisions.

A lot is happening right now, in work and life, so i will try to keep blogging where i can, and to keep tales shorter – hope followers have been fine. I will make sure the next blog is not segmented in parts for consistency in the flow of thought writing.

– xx –

Another One Bites The Dust: Déjà vu

In deep thought this morning. What a night. So what best way than to just blog it and let it out and perhaps see what you think. I’ve been quite happy receiving messages from Italian. He’s been a real gent and just been very, (as I am being accustomed to cultural ways) of being very attentive, but well mannered. We are to perhaps set a second date (I know, World record promising) but both of us have busy schedules as he is trying to find a new flat after moving out of his old one. I’ve been genuinely happy with many things going just swell at the moment for 2013, with work, life and am happy.

When Beanie man had been in recent contact, he sounded more upbeat as I remembered him initially. He wanted to pop round. Which resulted in this morning’s deep thought. From something simple, he once again managed to lay on deep things opening up, talking about his first love, opening up, exes, loves of his life and main loves as I just sat there. How else was I to react. I know if people want to talk or tell me something, I’m to listen carefully. At the same time, I’m not one to pry if someone has something on their mind.

What is it with the need to complicate things? The stereotype that it’s women, who analyses everything and question every little detail. I started to wonder how to speed the evening up. I know it sounds harsh, but from a relaxing chilled evening I could have had watching a DVD, I felt like I was being interrogated and like I was at some kind of rehab interview or something. Mood spoiler and when silence actually speaks more.

There is something about moody silent men maybe that I prefer at times. This was one of them. He’s not a chatter, don’t get me wrong, but every comment said, he would question it. It became exhausting that on farewell, I think he could read my mind. I am at a point where I am very happy and just shaving off any rotten people who name as friends yet drain you, and creating a better work life at the moment. All is great. So it’s sad for some reason how I felt that inside, I just didn’t want to deal with someone with so much baggage. Teh enthusiasm and possible spark died on the twelfth questioning. He no longer looked mysterious. I didn’t feel like warming up to him for some reason.

He was in search for the one. I’ve had Scottish go through that. Even six years on and i am aware Scottish is still searching, alone, and disappointed each time. Throwing himself to love, and then just dropping like a toy. I tried expressing my point to Beanie man, about how about enjoying what’s in front of you and living the moment? It fell on deaf ears. I tend not to think there is only “one” out there. Many people aren’t with the “one”. So what does that mean? That with wrong coupling, people’s “ones” are already taken?

No, i feel there are many people for many people, at different stages of your life. As your lives twist and turn through life’s up and downs, you will suit and want different things in life. That includes what you need and what you are capable to give to others.

I wish Beanie man a silent farewell. He couldn’t seem to see things from other people’s views. Or how he was being perceived. It was all about him and his needs. He was blind that it there has to be two persons. He had said I was emotionless. I recognised the painstaking traits of blaming the other person from self frustration. I replayed the remark to a friend who scoffed I was the complete opposite. Did Beanie not recognised, when you are being interrogated, complaining, and pointing out every negative, it’s quite the dampener on the mood to want to open up, let alone want to be in that company for any longer…

The day after tomorrow will be Valentines day. I wonder how people really feel. So thoughts let out, and for me, I’d rather enjoy great company with friends, or enjoy a night in, than go through baggage all too familiar all over again. No thank you. He’s got to go. All the best in his search. Another one bites the dust.