The world of Irish

What is it about the Irish, they say, that they are able to entice any female with just their alluring accents and charm. Really? But have they seen the other side that goes along with it. This of course isn’t about all people from there. I had met him through what you could say a crowded room. I was trying to cross the room, and had suddenly become packed with a bunch of tall lads, that I couldn’t squeeze through and was about to get stuck, till a young man came and helped me, meeting the eyes of Irish.

He was with a colleague of his. Airline engineers. They were very polite and wanted me to return so Irish could buy me a drink. It was my turn to buy my friends and myself our round, but Irish insisted he would buy mine when I returned. When I came back, the look of the male party crush looked less inviting than for me to return to where Irish and colleague was standing and I had felt I needed to thank him.

Irish was firing questions to me, with colleague amused but very much in his late fifties and confirming Irish as the real article and not winding me up. Irish wanted to take me out. He wanted my number. I had to return to my thirsty friends on the other side of the bar. I invited if they wanted to join the group as we had to all move away from the bar.

After introductions and everyone meeting new faces, the night was fun, and still early as the bar closed, and we soon moved on two several more hideouts.

After exchange of blurry numbers, I have him messaging me. Which begins as sweet, but I could tell or sense something was not quite right. So in my direct manner, I ask if he has any baggage. His reply was that everyone has baggage. Hmmmm…

I ask if he was single. He states that his ex keeps saying they will get back together. That was a very strange reply for that sounded like what she was thinking, not what he was single or not. I knew I was to be cautious and from then he was bleeping in my inbox. I was back at work, long weekends were over and my high workload was back in play.

Up till then I had been very patient, attentive to his messaging and just making hin laugh. I would let him know I was out with friends etc. He had explained his line of work was on shift rota. I understood there would be weeks of him working non stop and then a big break. That was fine by me.

Then one day, he messaged me he was near my work place. I was in a meeting. Another bleep came through. He was having drinks and to have me join him. I said I was in a meeting and for him to still have fun. His next reply was moody, extremely impolite and downright arrogant. I sighed as i was in a meeting, my focus was needed and i couldn’t have any distractions. It was only 4.30pm.

This pleading from him went on and on, that it was a good job that I had my phone on silent. I couldnt keep checking or replying to my phone. I was in this meeting, that was to run into two hours. I sighed at the notion he was being childish and I explained that i was due out, till after this conference call, and that i was already going to be late for a friend, but i could pop out in between to see him if he still wanted to. I was meant to meet him two days later in that week as we had planned for our first meeting, but I could already feel unwell and see the work load piling up which meant the mad rush again at work. He was being inconsiderate and was not understanding at all.

He switched completely on me. He was no longer the charming and sweet guy I had met with never ending compliments. He was angry, and he was rudely ill mannered and terribly selfish.

Just because he had finished work, he could not get round in his head, why I wouldn’t drop everything to go see him. He knew i was unwell the past few days. I had offered a quick drink with him in between, with him knowing i was in my time with my friends for a show. I only suggested it as a compromise to try and please him. I was already running late as i was to jump into a cab to get to the theatre.

As the meeting tied up, we were all exhausted. I grabbed my bag, thrusted my jacket into my bag and pressed for the lift. Checking many messages, i immediately phoned him. It hit voice message. I needed to know his location so i could have that quick drink and then dash off. No reply.

I messaged him incase he had no phone reception but was able to text back. No replies. I had to make a quick decision. Cab it was. I had to hail it to carry on with my own plans. I would have to deal with him later. I couldn’t imagine he would message me through out the evening. Sigh what was he playing at?

I havent the time for this. He sounded like the world revolved around him. Whatever issues he had, was certainly from him and nothing that we have experienced between the very short amount of time we had been messaging each other. Alarm bells were ringing to get out. I arrived at the theatre, and I decided to leave a message for him, hoping he would continue with what seemed like a fun night and that I would be in touch. I said to postpone the later meeting with each other as the project at work looks bigger than I thought and I was feeling under the weather.

I didn’t hear a further peep from Irish. No apology. No explanation. No checking if I was feeling any better.

Thing is the idea, i closed that book and not looked back, I already felt ten times better off. The world does not revolve around one person and nor does it only move for that one individual when it wants to. No charm could ever make up for kind manners and the idea to understand others.




It’s been a while since I have posted. I do apologise. I have been busy. Many things have happened and many new people have been met and dated. One story stays in my mind to share. I thought I had shunned and closed the book on Beanie a while back.

For him to reappear, he had wanted to know what I thought of him, as to why i didn’t want to. I thought of how there was no connection, and it was the most unconnected feeling I’ve experienced. I don’t mean unpleasant, but just nothing. In conversation, he was not sparking me to want to ask more about him, or want to amuse or entertain further. I had said he was attractive, but behind that, there was nothing of interest. He was impolite the last time and I will always make time for polite people and genuine considerate people. But even physically there was nothing there. I didn’t want to find myself in that awkward situation again. For him he loved it. He wanted to know what I thought… and I’m not one to lie..

Vanilla was the word that could only spring to mind and sum up the feeling.

It was just not happening for me. And I didn’t know what else I could say or contribute. Only for him not to be angry or insulted, he actually wanted to know more and ask how else he could be better…. ! I was helpless. He was probably moving worlds for others, some people like vanilla…

Colleagues were amused by my predicament. What could I say without hurting his feelings? They had pointed out if a guy is to ask that, then he would have to be open to whatever replies could be returned.

It was as if I was dumping him or something because of the way he is. I felt awful.

I hope wherever Beanie is, he has met someone who loves this traditional and favourite of millions. I just can’t help it if I am intrigued by varieties on offer, types, extra toppings, scoops, cones, tubs, old favourites, Heston creations.. but just not something that I expect…

There’s something for everyone. So go out and have fun


Freed of hope.

You live for hope. The goals and dreams you work hard for. Your personal achievements. On dates, you hope you both get along, that they understand you, that you like them. You look for connections in friends and being heard when it matters. I encourage positive around me for something to strive for. To motivate each and everyone a reason to get out of bed and keep going. But when is hope a negative thing? When I am to let an ex know…

So out of the woodwork, for those who have read one of recent posts, came out an ex, who seemed to have realised his mistakes and errors of his ways and wanted to make amends.

Yes I’ve been waiting by the phone and mail box all these years, hanging on for his change of mind to grow up and to utter those tiny but significant words of apology. Right? Course not. Who would in their right mind do that? But is the lesson learned?

Or has the ex run into a drought and into a dry patch and only seeks after my friendly companionship.

He argued saying how I was not to judge him for his past mistakes and that he had changed. But what else have I to compare this with, from familiar experience of him promising one thing and then completely ruining things time and time again, leaving me to pick up the pieces and fixing us. I began to be exhausted.

I had always felt I would have a place for him no matter what. But somehow just his replies.. I felt strangely unconnected, or just looking at him standing there visually in my mind instead, looking very on his own, or perhaps I mean, just me looking at him, rather than happy to hear from him or think of laughs and memories shared. For first time and now hearing from him, I didn’t feel anything but numbness, and me just watching him in my mind. Pause.

He had always been something special. When we first met something he had said when I asked him about a word, was what kept my attention. He was different. I had been patient with his soon to be what I discovered, months of back and forth of him being scared, wanting to be close, but then running away. Soon I began stop questioning if it was myself, but I would just expect the same routine, till it had to stop. Years past, where I hadn’t heard from him. It upset me as much as everything we had been through. Only for him to out of the blue tell me the past few years, he couldn’t approach me, or see me, as he was still getting over me. He couldn’t handle seeing me, as he felt so much. I was stunned when i learnt of this. But what was I do to do with this information when I was at the time involved with someone. He looked sad.

Years past and I heard he had met someone and was happily moving in with her. Brilliant I felt. I was really happy for him, then not even six months on, he wanted to meet up with me over a football game, and for him to tell me they had broken up and he was moving out of the country. How I was supposed to react, I’m not sure or what response he wanted, I could only digest this news. Which brings us roughly to now, where the last time I had seen him, he decided to open up to me, for the very first time, only it was not the best place, the noisiest bar, with people trying to chat to us, heavily on cocktails and very very late in the night that I was seated next to the speakers of the live band playing and gave the wrong reaction when I couldn’t hear what was being said from him. He caught the next day flight and I hadnt heard from him, or what exactly he was trying to say to me after all these years. To me, him running away, meant he hadn’t changed at all. So why was he trying to contact me again?

This post has been written in fragments due to I had to stop midway, but it only confirms with a week later, that things drastically change in life, and nothing does stay the same. His hope? It was to be ready to get back together, now he was ready. I’ve tried to word this so it makes sense, but it simply doesn’t. My expectations of his issues and my own life goals have changed. I’ve moved on. Just because is ready and happy smiling, i had to tell it to him straight, it just wouldnt work, and when that fell on deaf ears, I had to be even more direct and share that I no longer hold any feelings of that kind to want to get back together.

I offered to be friends. I know. But I do remain friends with my exes and have good friendships. Though he seemed to be in some sort of denial of how he is. He seemed to agree to everything I said, and from knowing him inside and out, I was sad that he had lost that genuine side of him when I first met. He was trying so hard now, I looked upon him and could see loneliness. Confusion in his words of what lies ahead of him.

So i was out last night and had some very young lads trying their best to convince me to want to know them. I replied politely, and was generic and vague with my answers. I’m not one to be harsh to be rude, but I knew i was old enough to be his big big sister and I wasn’t one to prove that all girls are nasty. I would not want him to put off to his next girl he spotted. So where is the line of where you give and encourage hope, yet the same time you need to be honest and tell people up front, before it gets out of hand?

For me, I’d rather be told for example if I am going out, and I am running late or I am unable to attend, I would rather let that person know to not have them be kept waiting, or be told if for them, they weren’t interested or was involved. I simply, to go back to this, would not like to be playing mind games, as its cruel and it’s better to know where you stand, so you are able to make your own decisions.

A lot is happening right now, in work and life, so i will try to keep blogging where i can, and to keep tales shorter – hope followers have been fine. I will make sure the next blog is not segmented in parts for consistency in the flow of thought writing.

– xx –

“Can’t stop smiling”

…is what I posted and similar status updates recently. Responses of all humor are quick and fast and assumptions of a recent Valentine day is the result of that.

I disagree and set it straight “Nope, not in love. Just high on life. All is swell”.

And that is the truth. Today I am going to have one of my adventures with a friend to catch up. Out of town, and a cultural weekend, exploring the grounds of Hampton Court and the famous maze. I have my mini rucksack packed, train tickets purchased and about to leave the desk for a day without comms and just simply getting out in the fresh air.

I recently had to R&R from any activity of intense sports, due to an injury, fed up of being on the sidelines. I’ve since had consultations, scans, stretched, poked and all many snippets of wisdom thrown at me. Days ago, I’ve now had the all clear of any major surgery needed, and I’ve been instructed for six weeks, to cycle, which is not my favourite) but slowly work back up, no more than an hour each time, and then to return back for a visit. I may not be keen on cycling, but I am just very very happy I am allowed now back for some gymerama action!

I also last night had spent the last 48 hours, been over negotiations on a work brief offer, and due to asking, confidence of my own capabilities, general reasoning all with manners, arrived with them twice raising the bar for me, and no disgruntled people, but instead understanding and a happy SATC girl with a new longer term project to work on, starting Monday. Most importantly is that last year I had left permanent work to take time out and now I am lucky I am able to choose what projects I want to take on. I would only take on longer work, if I am happy with the company and if I enjoy the people. This reflected how much they are keen to listen and make sure I am content and I am looking forward to enjoying this weekend, as a normal weekend with bit more of a routine now in place for the next several months.

My nephew when I saw him for New Years recently would cling to me. He would ask me to sit next to him for dinner, and I was always selected to join in his games. Aww. I may not have a clue about children and little people, but he never cries or misbehaves around me, he warms up to me, and It’s fun to watch him speed through counting in French as well as our native languages, being multi lingual, touch type and interact as if second nature and just instinctively very very observant. A delight to be his auntie and be around him growing up.

What else. Gosh, just general catching up with friends and getting back on track, why would I need to have to rely on someone to be happy? I’ve already mentioned in some of my posts, of the nature I am, I am one of those annoying people you find, always happy. Yes I am generally laughing at everything, and wanting to help others first, but right now, I am, reverting back to the title and point of this blog, I am single and “I can’t stop smiling” I wrote this particular post, as it is genuine  it is real time, and perhaps showing it is okay to be happy and makes a change for people to try look for all the things you already have in front of you. Right, i better run, else I will be late for my adventure! Have a lovely weekend!



Another One Bites The Dust: Déjà vu

In deep thought this morning. What a night. So what best way than to just blog it and let it out and perhaps see what you think. I’ve been quite happy receiving messages from Italian. He’s been a real gent and just been very, (as I am being accustomed to cultural ways) of being very attentive, but well mannered. We are to perhaps set a second date (I know, World record promising) but both of us have busy schedules as he is trying to find a new flat after moving out of his old one. I’ve been genuinely happy with many things going just swell at the moment for 2013, with work, life and am happy.

When Beanie man had been in recent contact, he sounded more upbeat as I remembered him initially. He wanted to pop round. Which resulted in this morning’s deep thought. From something simple, he once again managed to lay on deep things opening up, talking about his first love, opening up, exes, loves of his life and main loves as I just sat there. How else was I to react. I know if people want to talk or tell me something, I’m to listen carefully. At the same time, I’m not one to pry if someone has something on their mind.

What is it with the need to complicate things? The stereotype that it’s women, who analyses everything and question every little detail. I started to wonder how to speed the evening up. I know it sounds harsh, but from a relaxing chilled evening I could have had watching a DVD, I felt like I was being interrogated and like I was at some kind of rehab interview or something. Mood spoiler and when silence actually speaks more.

There is something about moody silent men maybe that I prefer at times. This was one of them. He’s not a chatter, don’t get me wrong, but every comment said, he would question it. It became exhausting that on farewell, I think he could read my mind. I am at a point where I am very happy and just shaving off any rotten people who name as friends yet drain you, and creating a better work life at the moment. All is great. So it’s sad for some reason how I felt that inside, I just didn’t want to deal with someone with so much baggage. Teh enthusiasm and possible spark died on the twelfth questioning. He no longer looked mysterious. I didn’t feel like warming up to him for some reason.

He was in search for the one. I’ve had Scottish go through that. Even six years on and i am aware Scottish is still searching, alone, and disappointed each time. Throwing himself to love, and then just dropping like a toy. I tried expressing my point to Beanie man, about how about enjoying what’s in front of you and living the moment? It fell on deaf ears. I tend not to think there is only “one” out there. Many people aren’t with the “one”. So what does that mean? That with wrong coupling, people’s “ones” are already taken?

No, i feel there are many people for many people, at different stages of your life. As your lives twist and turn through life’s up and downs, you will suit and want different things in life. That includes what you need and what you are capable to give to others.

I wish Beanie man a silent farewell. He couldn’t seem to see things from other people’s views. Or how he was being perceived. It was all about him and his needs. He was blind that it there has to be two persons. He had said I was emotionless. I recognised the painstaking traits of blaming the other person from self frustration. I replayed the remark to a friend who scoffed I was the complete opposite. Did Beanie not recognised, when you are being interrogated, complaining, and pointing out every negative, it’s quite the dampener on the mood to want to open up, let alone want to be in that company for any longer…

The day after tomorrow will be Valentines day. I wonder how people really feel. So thoughts let out, and for me, I’d rather enjoy great company with friends, or enjoy a night in, than go through baggage all too familiar all over again. No thank you. He’s got to go. All the best in his search. Another one bites the dust.



Bathroom shuffle and popcorn

My friends and family don’t hassle or pressure me to be with anyone nor the need to set me up. I am just one of those annoying people that is just always smiling and high on life. This blog wasn’t to be about men Vs women, but a personal take on how it’s okay to be on your own, or how important individual space, time, and reflection is. I’m not shy to hide who I am. I am a very private person, and only open up when I am comfortable, but in general, whether my followers know me or not in real life, hopefully you will get to read occasionally my posts and get to know me. I haven’t revealed I  have started this blog with anyone. So a quick TY to everyone. I know my typing isn’t Oxford English. I had thought about going completely anonymous, but it only makes everything too rigid when posting and feel plastic fake. Something which by now, you know I’m the opposite.

Recently there has been many films out in the cinema I had wanted to watch. One of the things I fine with is going to exhibitions, galleries on my own. I’m perfectly fine to walk into a party or venue in search of my friends, or go check out a new coffee bar. It’s not a question really. I either end up being absorbed in my own thoughts, making my own private time, or I haha.. end up talking to random people. Yes yes, I can hear my old writer giving me brotherly advice, to be careful at the same time. I understand. I frequent the cinemas for independent films, when I know my friends or circles would have no interest or aren’t that keen on reading a film the whole night with subtitles. That’s okay too. I see it as when you go to see a film, you don’t necessary talk or engage with the person next to you anyway.

But what happened was when a friend had said Oh I’d go with you, I want to see that too. To this day, the film will most likely be available on DVD. What happens is when friends, dates or colleagues say they want to go to this show, or try that new restaurant, or get themselves to that part of the city too. And this is where it begins.. I end up waiting for them, when they don’t have work, when they have a sitter, when their child gets better, or when they’re not hungover, passing days, weeks and before long, I have missed the opening event, or deadline for bargain deal tickets. Then when I hear a group at work are going, they ask, why don’t you come with us, it will be so much fun. I decline that I’m to watch it with my friend, you guys go ahead as I watch them all giggling and getting their jackets. Sigh. It still happens and as I try to balance my lifestyle for 2013, I realise its my own nature to be loyal. I’m loyal to the people who want to share that experience, film or gig with me. (Except popcorn. Salted popcorn is mine) So i wait.

Is it about being Let down? I don’t know. As all the reasons are real. It just happens. I never get annoyed, as a film is a film, if I miss out the British Film awards previews, I will just have to wait eight months to a year before national release. Or I think, ah well, I’ve saved money from Eurostar tickets. Never mind, next time… With my acceleration of 2013 to not miss out further opportunities, I mean this approach is exactly how I have climbed my career ladder from the word go. I spot or make my own opportunities. I get out and about, I get networking, that I have to remind myself a recent friend’s wedding, to not hand out business cards. On dates, i limit myself talking shop, as else it does evolve into that next step. I won’t mix work and play. So why do not use that approach with life? Why do I sometimes get left waiting for others to be ready? What’s wrong with going for the day now? Why are others people putting things off? What’s that phrase? Carpe Diem? Seize the Day.

I reflect about how for years up to last year, I had no social or personal life. It was work. It added to how precious any spare time I had should be spent with those who are worth it. It certainly helped me filter my dates out for who was lucky enough to get a 2nd or 3rd date.

I’m a patient person. But when waiting for others to stop faffing, or me sadly watching events go past, simply is niggling to me. Is waiting such a bad thing?

I remember Scotsman when I’d stay over at his, and in the morning we’d do that quick dance shuffle in the hallway outside the bathroom, as we’d wait for the bathroom to be free, or leaning over to share the mirror, in the dash to get to ourselves to the station to get to work. When I’m back and close that door, I do hold a sigh of relief inside, just for not having to wait, or apply mascara at speed without poking my eye.

There are things, which I deliberately waited for a friend. Yesterday I was meant to go to climb the O2, London. Something I had wanted to do last summer, but everyone wasn’t free. A friend was due down to visit me, and I thought it was ideal! Of course I can climb it myself, but some experiences when shared would be memorable and much to my delight, he was up for it! We carefully had planned a full day of catching up, lunch, getting the codes for advanced tickets, what bar to hit later. Then the phone rang at seven in the morning, only for him to come down with food poisoning from some stop on the Motorway as he drove down with his boss. Brilliant. 

Familiar feeling, I was slightly sad, at how much I had waited to go, but I knew things happen for a reason. He was sweet to say see how he gets on, but he had been in the hotel bathroom the whole evening. I naturally wished him back on his feet, and to drink fluids. Should I go climb the O2 on my own later in the year? I love making goals I want to achieve and have ticked off.

I sit in coffee shops on my own happily catching up on some light reading or the Sunday papers, I’m going to attend my fashion designer’s preview next week before jumping over to a friend’s tea party gathering. These I enjoy on my own, as else I’d have to plan and coordinate people to the catwalk location, wait for them, make sure they wouldn’t be alone, or left standing no one to talk to, and sometimes friends want to just catch up with me with their latest gossip and tales, and not share my time.

Single? Yes. I am and I choose to be. Something with may give off strange looks, or sympathetic ones from those who don’t understand, burping babies on their shoulders, I love it, and for me, I get to use the shower as long as I want, not have to check who’s towel is who, and have my own sink.



Mister Mama Mia

Why not be myself. That was the plan last night when i was to go to an exhibition locally before meeting up with my cousin who’s in town for the week from New York. Till I decided to mix a first date opportunity into the evening. He was from Italian. Thick accent and immediately I was interested how he saw things and how he treated me. His polite gestures seemed more than the attempt of someone one a first date, actually part of how he had been brought up. For some that may not be much, but those who know me offline, I am all about manners and the small considerations.

Before I reached my destination, I received a surprised message. Mister Beanie. Hadn’t heard from him in a while since he decided to open up and dump his baggage at my door. I had been so busy and occupied i hadn’t the capacity to ask of anything of him. It was nice to hear from him. It was just how I had assumed or experienced, he was testing the waters again, knowing how he had left things. I was on my wy out but checked he was okay, and whether he ws needing to talk or have a hug. He seemed much more relaxed, like some lost boy knowing how he hadn’t called, than some defensive and closed off man the last time we met. You really can’t force a person to speak, I may not be the ideal conventional female but space is what i ultimately can give.

The exhibition was something that i volunteer with in my time,with the homeless. All artwork was created and produced by these talented guests. Absolutely amazing work. Italian listened as I gave him the heads up on what we were doing. I weren’t aware how he would take to what i do or what we were about to see, but he was impressed and asked questions about the work i do. He offered his experience of having visited an orphanage when he was younger and it left a lasting impression. it does these things. How others live. He said everyone should try and experience it once in their life.

His attention for detail was fascination and intrigued me. He chose his best one he liked in categories and we were able to debate about the pieces. The light, the expression, perhaps what the guests was trying to convey. i know not everyone likes or appreciates art. To me it is subjective and so random the night had started, i was not worried he may have been bored, but boy can he cook! A hand at cooking, it was like hearing poetry at one int as he recited recipes and his love of food. I had no need to waste my time to check his opinion of fast food chains.

Italian and i bumped into some of my colleagues and he was very polite, outreached hand, clear introduction as I noticed him letting me go ahead first. A good listener, in contrast to what i soon discovered later on, his full vocal laughter as he met and got along with my cousin and his friends. I sat back and watched him with the others. He had made light humour of me taking him to be given the third degree by family. I smiled with reassurance it would be fun. It was a good night overall. Everyone warmed to him and was interested with his views, football and rugby knowledge, roaring with laughter and then argumentative with cup and league scores. At same time he would whisper to me if i needed another drink, if i were hungry and just making sure i was happy. A good balance.

To me its always an essential thing to be able to be individual, to not be joined at the hip, to not make others feel uncomfortable yet try to join in, listen or contribute and he was very gracious with getting the names right, and even though he was loud, he would not interrupt. The people at the table did not know he was a date. I did not need to babysit him or make sure if was okay to leave him if i visited the washroom. You’d be surprised by the dates i’ve had.

It was fascinating when I had asked about Italian women. “Oh my!!! NO WAY!! They are not for me!! They would only remind me of My Mother!! Why are you not home?!!! Ive cooked and made this all for you!! Why are you dressed like that, we are about to go out!!! Why havent you called me?!!! ONE BIGGG HEADACHE. i stay away from Italian women!”

This made me chuckle as he put on his accent. Even as we walked in the rain, he wouldn’t allow me carry the umbrella, which I have to add, is broken, so i had this spare one, bright red, with white hearts over it. It was hilarious.

I learnt a lot about Italian ways, his love of cooking and just his values which in this day age made more sense and a gave relief that people who don’t view the world through reality television. He had plans to travel and relocate with that someone special, which was hard to take in as he looked directly at me saying it, adding of course things change. it crossed my mind about how when you bring someone into your life, you are in fact trying to see if they fit into your ambitions, plans and just lifestyle. I had pointed out that that would be hard to find that someone,and to them have the give up their dreams for that someone. I thought about my situation. With a deliberate change of lifestyle, to gain that better work life balance, i now take on work i am able to work off or on site at places. I can be located anywhere that had a connection.Not that I was contemplating running away with this first date, but it made me think about the number of things we cross our check list off as we grow older, as we change jobs, or simply move on.

so perhaps what we look for could be what we need in life, finding those who can give it. From someone who is too independent, what is it that I could be needing?


– xx-