Freed of hope.

You live for hope. The goals and dreams you work hard for. Your personal achievements. On dates, you hope you both get along, that they understand you, that you like them. You look for connections in friends and being heard when it matters. I encourage positive around me for something to strive for. To motivate each and everyone a reason to get out of bed and keep going. But when is hope a negative thing? When I am to let an ex know…

So out of the woodwork, for those who have read one of recent posts, came out an ex, who seemed to have realised his mistakes and errors of his ways and wanted to make amends.

Yes I’ve been waiting by the phone and mail box all these years, hanging on for his change of mind to grow up and to utter those tiny but significant words of apology. Right? Course not. Who would in their right mind do that? But is the lesson learned?

Or has the ex run into a drought and into a dry patch and only seeks after my friendly companionship.

He argued saying how I was not to judge him for his past mistakes and that he had changed. But what else have I to compare this with, from familiar experience of him promising one thing and then completely ruining things time and time again, leaving me to pick up the pieces and fixing us. I began to be exhausted.

I had always felt I would have a place for him no matter what. But somehow just his replies.. I felt strangely unconnected, or just looking at him standing there visually in my mind instead, looking very on his own, or perhaps I mean, just me looking at him, rather than happy to hear from him or think of laughs and memories shared. For first time and now hearing from him, I didn’t feel anything but numbness, and me just watching him in my mind. Pause.

He had always been something special. When we first met something he had said when I asked him about a word, was what kept my attention. He was different. I had been patient with his soon to be what I discovered, months of back and forth of him being scared, wanting to be close, but then running away. Soon I began stop questioning if it was myself, but I would just expect the same routine, till it had to stop. Years past, where I hadn’t heard from him. It upset me as much as everything we had been through. Only for him to out of the blue tell me the past few years, he couldn’t approach me, or see me, as he was still getting over me. He couldn’t handle seeing me, as he felt so much. I was stunned when i learnt of this. But what was I do to do with this information when I was at the time involved with someone. He looked sad.

Years past and I heard he had met someone and was happily moving in with her. Brilliant I felt. I was really happy for him, then not even six months on, he wanted to meet up with me over a football game, and for him to tell me they had broken up and he was moving out of the country. How I was supposed to react, I’m not sure or what response he wanted, I could only digest this news. Which brings us roughly to now, where the last time I had seen him, he decided to open up to me, for the very first time, only it was not the best place, the noisiest bar, with people trying to chat to us, heavily on cocktails and very very late in the night that I was seated next to the speakers of the live band playing and gave the wrong reaction when I couldn’t hear what was being said from him. He caught the next day flight and I hadnt heard from him, or what exactly he was trying to say to me after all these years. To me, him running away, meant he hadn’t changed at all. So why was he trying to contact me again?

This post has been written in fragments due to I had to stop midway, but it only confirms with a week later, that things drastically change in life, and nothing does stay the same. His hope? It was to be ready to get back together, now he was ready. I’ve tried to word this so it makes sense, but it simply doesn’t. My expectations of his issues and my own life goals have changed. I’ve moved on. Just because is ready and happy smiling, i had to tell it to him straight, it just wouldnt work, and when that fell on deaf ears, I had to be even more direct and share that I no longer hold any feelings of that kind to want to get back together.

I offered to be friends. I know. But I do remain friends with my exes and have good friendships. Though he seemed to be in some sort of denial of how he is. He seemed to agree to everything I said, and from knowing him inside and out, I was sad that he had lost that genuine side of him when I first met. He was trying so hard now, I looked upon him and could see loneliness. Confusion in his words of what lies ahead of him.

So i was out last night and had some very young lads trying their best to convince me to want to know them. I replied politely, and was generic and vague with my answers. I’m not one to be harsh to be rude, but I knew i was old enough to be his big big sister and I wasn’t one to prove that all girls are nasty. I would not want him to put off to his next girl he spotted. So where is the line of where you give and encourage hope, yet the same time you need to be honest and tell people up front, before it gets out of hand?

For me, I’d rather be told for example if I am going out, and I am running late or I am unable to attend, I would rather let that person know to not have them be kept waiting, or be told if for them, they weren’t interested or was involved. I simply, to go back to this, would not like to be playing mind games, as its cruel and it’s better to know where you stand, so you are able to make your own decisions.

A lot is happening right now, in work and life, so i will try to keep blogging where i can, and to keep tales shorter – hope followers have been fine. I will make sure the next blog is not segmented in parts for consistency in the flow of thought writing.

– xx –

One thought on “Freed of hope.

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