The world of Irish

What is it about the Irish, they say, that they are able to entice any female with just their alluring accents and charm. Really? But have they seen the other side that goes along with it. This of course isn’t about all people from there. I had met him through what you could say a crowded room. I was trying to cross the room, and had suddenly become packed with a bunch of tall lads, that I couldn’t squeeze through and was about to get stuck, till a young man came and helped me, meeting the eyes of Irish.

He was with a colleague of his. Airline engineers. They were very polite and wanted me to return so Irish could buy me a drink. It was my turn to buy my friends and myself our round, but Irish insisted he would buy mine when I returned. When I came back, the look of the male party crush looked less inviting than for me to return to where Irish and colleague was standing and I had felt I needed to thank him.

Irish was firing questions to me, with colleague amused but very much in his late fifties and confirming Irish as the real article and not winding me up. Irish wanted to take me out. He wanted my number. I had to return to my thirsty friends on the other side of the bar. I invited if they wanted to join the group as we had to all move away from the bar.

After introductions and everyone meeting new faces, the night was fun, and still early as the bar closed, and we soon moved on two several more hideouts.

After exchange of blurry numbers, I have him messaging me. Which begins as sweet, but I could tell or sense something was not quite right. So in my direct manner, I ask if he has any baggage. His reply was that everyone has baggage. Hmmmm…

I ask if he was single. He states that his ex keeps saying they will get back together. That was a very strange reply for that sounded like what she was thinking, not what he was single or not. I knew I was to be cautious and from then he was bleeping in my inbox. I was back at work, long weekends were over and my high workload was back in play.

Up till then I had been very patient, attentive to his messaging and just making hin laugh. I would let him know I was out with friends etc. He had explained his line of work was on shift rota. I understood there would be weeks of him working non stop and then a big break. That was fine by me.

Then one day, he messaged me he was near my work place. I was in a meeting. Another bleep came through. He was having drinks and to have me join him. I said I was in a meeting and for him to still have fun. His next reply was moody, extremely impolite and downright arrogant. I sighed as i was in a meeting, my focus was needed and i couldn’t have any distractions. It was only 4.30pm.

This pleading from him went on and on, that it was a good job that I had my phone on silent. I couldnt keep checking or replying to my phone. I was in this meeting, that was to run into two hours. I sighed at the notion he was being childish and I explained that i was due out, till after this conference call, and that i was already going to be late for a friend, but i could pop out in between to see him if he still wanted to. I was meant to meet him two days later in that week as we had planned for our first meeting, but I could already feel unwell and see the work load piling up which meant the mad rush again at work. He was being inconsiderate and was not understanding at all.

He switched completely on me. He was no longer the charming and sweet guy I had met with never ending compliments. He was angry, and he was rudely ill mannered and terribly selfish.

Just because he had finished work, he could not get round in his head, why I wouldn’t drop everything to go see him. He knew i was unwell the past few days. I had offered a quick drink with him in between, with him knowing i was in my time with my friends for a show. I only suggested it as a compromise to try and please him. I was already running late as i was to jump into a cab to get to the theatre.

As the meeting tied up, we were all exhausted. I grabbed my bag, thrusted my jacket into my bag and pressed for the lift. Checking many messages, i immediately phoned him. It hit voice message. I needed to know his location so i could have that quick drink and then dash off. No reply.

I messaged him incase he had no phone reception but was able to text back. No replies. I had to make a quick decision. Cab it was. I had to hail it to carry on with my own plans. I would have to deal with him later. I couldn’t imagine he would message me through out the evening. Sigh what was he playing at?

I havent the time for this. He sounded like the world revolved around him. Whatever issues he had, was certainly from him and nothing that we have experienced between the very short amount of time we had been messaging each other. Alarm bells were ringing to get out. I arrived at the theatre, and I decided to leave a message for him, hoping he would continue with what seemed like a fun night and that I would be in touch. I said to postpone the later meeting with each other as the project at work looks bigger than I thought and I was feeling under the weather.

I didn’t hear a further peep from Irish. No apology. No explanation. No checking if I was feeling any better.

Thing is the idea, i closed that book and not looked back, I already felt ten times better off. The world does not revolve around one person and nor does it only move for that one individual when it wants to. No charm could ever make up for kind manners and the idea to understand others.




It’s been a while since I have posted. I do apologise. I have been busy. Many things have happened and many new people have been met and dated. One story stays in my mind to share. I thought I had shunned and closed the book on Beanie a while back.

For him to reappear, he had wanted to know what I thought of him, as to why i didn’t want to. I thought of how there was no connection, and it was the most unconnected feeling I’ve experienced. I don’t mean unpleasant, but just nothing. In conversation, he was not sparking me to want to ask more about him, or want to amuse or entertain further. I had said he was attractive, but behind that, there was nothing of interest. He was impolite the last time and I will always make time for polite people and genuine considerate people. But even physically there was nothing there. I didn’t want to find myself in that awkward situation again. For him he loved it. He wanted to know what I thought… and I’m not one to lie..

Vanilla was the word that could only spring to mind and sum up the feeling.

It was just not happening for me. And I didn’t know what else I could say or contribute. Only for him not to be angry or insulted, he actually wanted to know more and ask how else he could be better…. ! I was helpless. He was probably moving worlds for others, some people like vanilla…

Colleagues were amused by my predicament. What could I say without hurting his feelings? They had pointed out if a guy is to ask that, then he would have to be open to whatever replies could be returned.

It was as if I was dumping him or something because of the way he is. I felt awful.

I hope wherever Beanie is, he has met someone who loves this traditional and favourite of millions. I just can’t help it if I am intrigued by varieties on offer, types, extra toppings, scoops, cones, tubs, old favourites, Heston creations.. but just not something that I expect…

There’s something for everyone. So go out and have fun


Freed of hope.

You live for hope. The goals and dreams you work hard for. Your personal achievements. On dates, you hope you both get along, that they understand you, that you like them. You look for connections in friends and being heard when it matters. I encourage positive around me for something to strive for. To motivate each and everyone a reason to get out of bed and keep going. But when is hope a negative thing? When I am to let an ex know…

So out of the woodwork, for those who have read one of recent posts, came out an ex, who seemed to have realised his mistakes and errors of his ways and wanted to make amends.

Yes I’ve been waiting by the phone and mail box all these years, hanging on for his change of mind to grow up and to utter those tiny but significant words of apology. Right? Course not. Who would in their right mind do that? But is the lesson learned?

Or has the ex run into a drought and into a dry patch and only seeks after my friendly companionship.

He argued saying how I was not to judge him for his past mistakes and that he had changed. But what else have I to compare this with, from familiar experience of him promising one thing and then completely ruining things time and time again, leaving me to pick up the pieces and fixing us. I began to be exhausted.

I had always felt I would have a place for him no matter what. But somehow just his replies.. I felt strangely unconnected, or just looking at him standing there visually in my mind instead, looking very on his own, or perhaps I mean, just me looking at him, rather than happy to hear from him or think of laughs and memories shared. For first time and now hearing from him, I didn’t feel anything but numbness, and me just watching him in my mind. Pause.

He had always been something special. When we first met something he had said when I asked him about a word, was what kept my attention. He was different. I had been patient with his soon to be what I discovered, months of back and forth of him being scared, wanting to be close, but then running away. Soon I began stop questioning if it was myself, but I would just expect the same routine, till it had to stop. Years past, where I hadn’t heard from him. It upset me as much as everything we had been through. Only for him to out of the blue tell me the past few years, he couldn’t approach me, or see me, as he was still getting over me. He couldn’t handle seeing me, as he felt so much. I was stunned when i learnt of this. But what was I do to do with this information when I was at the time involved with someone. He looked sad.

Years past and I heard he had met someone and was happily moving in with her. Brilliant I felt. I was really happy for him, then not even six months on, he wanted to meet up with me over a football game, and for him to tell me they had broken up and he was moving out of the country. How I was supposed to react, I’m not sure or what response he wanted, I could only digest this news. Which brings us roughly to now, where the last time I had seen him, he decided to open up to me, for the very first time, only it was not the best place, the noisiest bar, with people trying to chat to us, heavily on cocktails and very very late in the night that I was seated next to the speakers of the live band playing and gave the wrong reaction when I couldn’t hear what was being said from him. He caught the next day flight and I hadnt heard from him, or what exactly he was trying to say to me after all these years. To me, him running away, meant he hadn’t changed at all. So why was he trying to contact me again?

This post has been written in fragments due to I had to stop midway, but it only confirms with a week later, that things drastically change in life, and nothing does stay the same. His hope? It was to be ready to get back together, now he was ready. I’ve tried to word this so it makes sense, but it simply doesn’t. My expectations of his issues and my own life goals have changed. I’ve moved on. Just because is ready and happy smiling, i had to tell it to him straight, it just wouldnt work, and when that fell on deaf ears, I had to be even more direct and share that I no longer hold any feelings of that kind to want to get back together.

I offered to be friends. I know. But I do remain friends with my exes and have good friendships. Though he seemed to be in some sort of denial of how he is. He seemed to agree to everything I said, and from knowing him inside and out, I was sad that he had lost that genuine side of him when I first met. He was trying so hard now, I looked upon him and could see loneliness. Confusion in his words of what lies ahead of him.

So i was out last night and had some very young lads trying their best to convince me to want to know them. I replied politely, and was generic and vague with my answers. I’m not one to be harsh to be rude, but I knew i was old enough to be his big big sister and I wasn’t one to prove that all girls are nasty. I would not want him to put off to his next girl he spotted. So where is the line of where you give and encourage hope, yet the same time you need to be honest and tell people up front, before it gets out of hand?

For me, I’d rather be told for example if I am going out, and I am running late or I am unable to attend, I would rather let that person know to not have them be kept waiting, or be told if for them, they weren’t interested or was involved. I simply, to go back to this, would not like to be playing mind games, as its cruel and it’s better to know where you stand, so you are able to make your own decisions.

A lot is happening right now, in work and life, so i will try to keep blogging where i can, and to keep tales shorter – hope followers have been fine. I will make sure the next blog is not segmented in parts for consistency in the flow of thought writing.

– xx –

“Can’t stop smiling”

…is what I posted and similar status updates recently. Responses of all humor are quick and fast and assumptions of a recent Valentine day is the result of that.

I disagree and set it straight “Nope, not in love. Just high on life. All is swell”.

And that is the truth. Today I am going to have one of my adventures with a friend to catch up. Out of town, and a cultural weekend, exploring the grounds of Hampton Court and the famous maze. I have my mini rucksack packed, train tickets purchased and about to leave the desk for a day without comms and just simply getting out in the fresh air.

I recently had to R&R from any activity of intense sports, due to an injury, fed up of being on the sidelines. I’ve since had consultations, scans, stretched, poked and all many snippets of wisdom thrown at me. Days ago, I’ve now had the all clear of any major surgery needed, and I’ve been instructed for six weeks, to cycle, which is not my favourite) but slowly work back up, no more than an hour each time, and then to return back for a visit. I may not be keen on cycling, but I am just very very happy I am allowed now back for some gymerama action!

I also last night had spent the last 48 hours, been over negotiations on a work brief offer, and due to asking, confidence of my own capabilities, general reasoning all with manners, arrived with them twice raising the bar for me, and no disgruntled people, but instead understanding and a happy SATC girl with a new longer term project to work on, starting Monday. Most importantly is that last year I had left permanent work to take time out and now I am lucky I am able to choose what projects I want to take on. I would only take on longer work, if I am happy with the company and if I enjoy the people. This reflected how much they are keen to listen and make sure I am content and I am looking forward to enjoying this weekend, as a normal weekend with bit more of a routine now in place for the next several months.

My nephew when I saw him for New Years recently would cling to me. He would ask me to sit next to him for dinner, and I was always selected to join in his games. Aww. I may not have a clue about children and little people, but he never cries or misbehaves around me, he warms up to me, and It’s fun to watch him speed through counting in French as well as our native languages, being multi lingual, touch type and interact as if second nature and just instinctively very very observant. A delight to be his auntie and be around him growing up.

What else. Gosh, just general catching up with friends and getting back on track, why would I need to have to rely on someone to be happy? I’ve already mentioned in some of my posts, of the nature I am, I am one of those annoying people you find, always happy. Yes I am generally laughing at everything, and wanting to help others first, but right now, I am, reverting back to the title and point of this blog, I am single and “I can’t stop smiling” I wrote this particular post, as it is genuine  it is real time, and perhaps showing it is okay to be happy and makes a change for people to try look for all the things you already have in front of you. Right, i better run, else I will be late for my adventure! Have a lovely weekend!



Another One Bites The Dust: Déjà vu

In deep thought this morning. What a night. So what best way than to just blog it and let it out and perhaps see what you think. I’ve been quite happy receiving messages from Italian. He’s been a real gent and just been very, (as I am being accustomed to cultural ways) of being very attentive, but well mannered. We are to perhaps set a second date (I know, World record promising) but both of us have busy schedules as he is trying to find a new flat after moving out of his old one. I’ve been genuinely happy with many things going just swell at the moment for 2013, with work, life and am happy.

When Beanie man had been in recent contact, he sounded more upbeat as I remembered him initially. He wanted to pop round. Which resulted in this morning’s deep thought. From something simple, he once again managed to lay on deep things opening up, talking about his first love, opening up, exes, loves of his life and main loves as I just sat there. How else was I to react. I know if people want to talk or tell me something, I’m to listen carefully. At the same time, I’m not one to pry if someone has something on their mind.

What is it with the need to complicate things? The stereotype that it’s women, who analyses everything and question every little detail. I started to wonder how to speed the evening up. I know it sounds harsh, but from a relaxing chilled evening I could have had watching a DVD, I felt like I was being interrogated and like I was at some kind of rehab interview or something. Mood spoiler and when silence actually speaks more.

There is something about moody silent men maybe that I prefer at times. This was one of them. He’s not a chatter, don’t get me wrong, but every comment said, he would question it. It became exhausting that on farewell, I think he could read my mind. I am at a point where I am very happy and just shaving off any rotten people who name as friends yet drain you, and creating a better work life at the moment. All is great. So it’s sad for some reason how I felt that inside, I just didn’t want to deal with someone with so much baggage. Teh enthusiasm and possible spark died on the twelfth questioning. He no longer looked mysterious. I didn’t feel like warming up to him for some reason.

He was in search for the one. I’ve had Scottish go through that. Even six years on and i am aware Scottish is still searching, alone, and disappointed each time. Throwing himself to love, and then just dropping like a toy. I tried expressing my point to Beanie man, about how about enjoying what’s in front of you and living the moment? It fell on deaf ears. I tend not to think there is only “one” out there. Many people aren’t with the “one”. So what does that mean? That with wrong coupling, people’s “ones” are already taken?

No, i feel there are many people for many people, at different stages of your life. As your lives twist and turn through life’s up and downs, you will suit and want different things in life. That includes what you need and what you are capable to give to others.

I wish Beanie man a silent farewell. He couldn’t seem to see things from other people’s views. Or how he was being perceived. It was all about him and his needs. He was blind that it there has to be two persons. He had said I was emotionless. I recognised the painstaking traits of blaming the other person from self frustration. I replayed the remark to a friend who scoffed I was the complete opposite. Did Beanie not recognised, when you are being interrogated, complaining, and pointing out every negative, it’s quite the dampener on the mood to want to open up, let alone want to be in that company for any longer…

The day after tomorrow will be Valentines day. I wonder how people really feel. So thoughts let out, and for me, I’d rather enjoy great company with friends, or enjoy a night in, than go through baggage all too familiar all over again. No thank you. He’s got to go. All the best in his search. Another one bites the dust.



Bathroom shuffle and popcorn

My friends and family don’t hassle or pressure me to be with anyone nor the need to set me up. I am just one of those annoying people that is just always smiling and high on life. This blog wasn’t to be about men Vs women, but a personal take on how it’s okay to be on your own, or how important individual space, time, and reflection is. I’m not shy to hide who I am. I am a very private person, and only open up when I am comfortable, but in general, whether my followers know me or not in real life, hopefully you will get to read occasionally my posts and get to know me. I haven’t revealed I  have started this blog with anyone. So a quick TY to everyone. I know my typing isn’t Oxford English. I had thought about going completely anonymous, but it only makes everything too rigid when posting and feel plastic fake. Something which by now, you know I’m the opposite.

Recently there has been many films out in the cinema I had wanted to watch. One of the things I fine with is going to exhibitions, galleries on my own. I’m perfectly fine to walk into a party or venue in search of my friends, or go check out a new coffee bar. It’s not a question really. I either end up being absorbed in my own thoughts, making my own private time, or I haha.. end up talking to random people. Yes yes, I can hear my old writer giving me brotherly advice, to be careful at the same time. I understand. I frequent the cinemas for independent films, when I know my friends or circles would have no interest or aren’t that keen on reading a film the whole night with subtitles. That’s okay too. I see it as when you go to see a film, you don’t necessary talk or engage with the person next to you anyway.

But what happened was when a friend had said Oh I’d go with you, I want to see that too. To this day, the film will most likely be available on DVD. What happens is when friends, dates or colleagues say they want to go to this show, or try that new restaurant, or get themselves to that part of the city too. And this is where it begins.. I end up waiting for them, when they don’t have work, when they have a sitter, when their child gets better, or when they’re not hungover, passing days, weeks and before long, I have missed the opening event, or deadline for bargain deal tickets. Then when I hear a group at work are going, they ask, why don’t you come with us, it will be so much fun. I decline that I’m to watch it with my friend, you guys go ahead as I watch them all giggling and getting their jackets. Sigh. It still happens and as I try to balance my lifestyle for 2013, I realise its my own nature to be loyal. I’m loyal to the people who want to share that experience, film or gig with me. (Except popcorn. Salted popcorn is mine) So i wait.

Is it about being Let down? I don’t know. As all the reasons are real. It just happens. I never get annoyed, as a film is a film, if I miss out the British Film awards previews, I will just have to wait eight months to a year before national release. Or I think, ah well, I’ve saved money from Eurostar tickets. Never mind, next time… With my acceleration of 2013 to not miss out further opportunities, I mean this approach is exactly how I have climbed my career ladder from the word go. I spot or make my own opportunities. I get out and about, I get networking, that I have to remind myself a recent friend’s wedding, to not hand out business cards. On dates, i limit myself talking shop, as else it does evolve into that next step. I won’t mix work and play. So why do not use that approach with life? Why do I sometimes get left waiting for others to be ready? What’s wrong with going for the day now? Why are others people putting things off? What’s that phrase? Carpe Diem? Seize the Day.

I reflect about how for years up to last year, I had no social or personal life. It was work. It added to how precious any spare time I had should be spent with those who are worth it. It certainly helped me filter my dates out for who was lucky enough to get a 2nd or 3rd date.

I’m a patient person. But when waiting for others to stop faffing, or me sadly watching events go past, simply is niggling to me. Is waiting such a bad thing?

I remember Scotsman when I’d stay over at his, and in the morning we’d do that quick dance shuffle in the hallway outside the bathroom, as we’d wait for the bathroom to be free, or leaning over to share the mirror, in the dash to get to ourselves to the station to get to work. When I’m back and close that door, I do hold a sigh of relief inside, just for not having to wait, or apply mascara at speed without poking my eye.

There are things, which I deliberately waited for a friend. Yesterday I was meant to go to climb the O2, London. Something I had wanted to do last summer, but everyone wasn’t free. A friend was due down to visit me, and I thought it was ideal! Of course I can climb it myself, but some experiences when shared would be memorable and much to my delight, he was up for it! We carefully had planned a full day of catching up, lunch, getting the codes for advanced tickets, what bar to hit later. Then the phone rang at seven in the morning, only for him to come down with food poisoning from some stop on the Motorway as he drove down with his boss. Brilliant. 

Familiar feeling, I was slightly sad, at how much I had waited to go, but I knew things happen for a reason. He was sweet to say see how he gets on, but he had been in the hotel bathroom the whole evening. I naturally wished him back on his feet, and to drink fluids. Should I go climb the O2 on my own later in the year? I love making goals I want to achieve and have ticked off.

I sit in coffee shops on my own happily catching up on some light reading or the Sunday papers, I’m going to attend my fashion designer’s preview next week before jumping over to a friend’s tea party gathering. These I enjoy on my own, as else I’d have to plan and coordinate people to the catwalk location, wait for them, make sure they wouldn’t be alone, or left standing no one to talk to, and sometimes friends want to just catch up with me with their latest gossip and tales, and not share my time.

Single? Yes. I am and I choose to be. Something with may give off strange looks, or sympathetic ones from those who don’t understand, burping babies on their shoulders, I love it, and for me, I get to use the shower as long as I want, not have to check who’s towel is who, and have my own sink.



Mister Mama Mia

Why not be myself. That was the plan last night when i was to go to an exhibition locally before meeting up with my cousin who’s in town for the week from New York. Till I decided to mix a first date opportunity into the evening. He was from Italian. Thick accent and immediately I was interested how he saw things and how he treated me. His polite gestures seemed more than the attempt of someone one a first date, actually part of how he had been brought up. For some that may not be much, but those who know me offline, I am all about manners and the small considerations.

Before I reached my destination, I received a surprised message. Mister Beanie. Hadn’t heard from him in a while since he decided to open up and dump his baggage at my door. I had been so busy and occupied i hadn’t the capacity to ask of anything of him. It was nice to hear from him. It was just how I had assumed or experienced, he was testing the waters again, knowing how he had left things. I was on my wy out but checked he was okay, and whether he ws needing to talk or have a hug. He seemed much more relaxed, like some lost boy knowing how he hadn’t called, than some defensive and closed off man the last time we met. You really can’t force a person to speak, I may not be the ideal conventional female but space is what i ultimately can give.

The exhibition was something that i volunteer with in my time,with the homeless. All artwork was created and produced by these talented guests. Absolutely amazing work. Italian listened as I gave him the heads up on what we were doing. I weren’t aware how he would take to what i do or what we were about to see, but he was impressed and asked questions about the work i do. He offered his experience of having visited an orphanage when he was younger and it left a lasting impression. it does these things. How others live. He said everyone should try and experience it once in their life.

His attention for detail was fascination and intrigued me. He chose his best one he liked in categories and we were able to debate about the pieces. The light, the expression, perhaps what the guests was trying to convey. i know not everyone likes or appreciates art. To me it is subjective and so random the night had started, i was not worried he may have been bored, but boy can he cook! A hand at cooking, it was like hearing poetry at one int as he recited recipes and his love of food. I had no need to waste my time to check his opinion of fast food chains.

Italian and i bumped into some of my colleagues and he was very polite, outreached hand, clear introduction as I noticed him letting me go ahead first. A good listener, in contrast to what i soon discovered later on, his full vocal laughter as he met and got along with my cousin and his friends. I sat back and watched him with the others. He had made light humour of me taking him to be given the third degree by family. I smiled with reassurance it would be fun. It was a good night overall. Everyone warmed to him and was interested with his views, football and rugby knowledge, roaring with laughter and then argumentative with cup and league scores. At same time he would whisper to me if i needed another drink, if i were hungry and just making sure i was happy. A good balance.

To me its always an essential thing to be able to be individual, to not be joined at the hip, to not make others feel uncomfortable yet try to join in, listen or contribute and he was very gracious with getting the names right, and even though he was loud, he would not interrupt. The people at the table did not know he was a date. I did not need to babysit him or make sure if was okay to leave him if i visited the washroom. You’d be surprised by the dates i’ve had.

It was fascinating when I had asked about Italian women. “Oh my!!! NO WAY!! They are not for me!! They would only remind me of My Mother!! Why are you not home?!!! Ive cooked and made this all for you!! Why are you dressed like that, we are about to go out!!! Why havent you called me?!!! ONE BIGGG HEADACHE. i stay away from Italian women!”

This made me chuckle as he put on his accent. Even as we walked in the rain, he wouldn’t allow me carry the umbrella, which I have to add, is broken, so i had this spare one, bright red, with white hearts over it. It was hilarious.

I learnt a lot about Italian ways, his love of cooking and just his values which in this day age made more sense and a gave relief that people who don’t view the world through reality television. He had plans to travel and relocate with that someone special, which was hard to take in as he looked directly at me saying it, adding of course things change. it crossed my mind about how when you bring someone into your life, you are in fact trying to see if they fit into your ambitions, plans and just lifestyle. I had pointed out that that would be hard to find that someone,and to them have the give up their dreams for that someone. I thought about my situation. With a deliberate change of lifestyle, to gain that better work life balance, i now take on work i am able to work off or on site at places. I can be located anywhere that had a connection.Not that I was contemplating running away with this first date, but it made me think about the number of things we cross our check list off as we grow older, as we change jobs, or simply move on.

so perhaps what we look for could be what we need in life, finding those who can give it. From someone who is too independent, what is it that I could be needing?


– xx-

Baggage Allowance

I had to think about whether this was an age related post or not. I usually date men who are older than me. Not by choice, but I tend to liken to relating to somebody who can hold a conversation or can show some interest than what is playing on the screen at the time or who else is in the room. Then for the past several weeks of 2012 Winter, I have had younger men propose to me for some time for a drink, to which I laughed off with close friends, till they asked, “why not?” “Take it as a compliment”- what, that I look young for them?, a private nuisance of my own, that I am fully aware women spend millions on the beauty industry to reverse aging, and here I am on a one-woman mission hide my youthful appearance to be taken seriously. No. They couldn’t possibly be serious? I had thought about it for a few nights, and I’m in a position where I have no desire to rush down the aisle, or to be tied down in desperation to not be alone. I am merely enjoying my own company and anything extra should be the cherry to enjoy things together. “It doesn’t have to be anything serious” as they were saying…

After an exchange of details, and few messages, it becomes very clear in a alarmingly manner, how one moment it is all niceties  and then these young chaps, seem to dump their problems onto you, or it feels the tap has been turned on fully to me, sharing their needs and how they have miserably gone wrong before. Gosh if that isn’t a turnoff for any possible date, what would be? I am a listener its been told, a very good one.

I wanted first drinks to be jolly, fun and light hearted, not have the night turn into a Dear Deidre evening and the chance of some young man downing his sorrows with his head on the cocktail table next to me. I could imagine neighboring city types glancing over wondering who brought in the sobbing child into this establishment, with my face going red.

Thing is I can read in to their problems. Not only what they were sharing with me, but in the way they were acting, the usual not replying and their way of speaking, revealed more than a Jerry Springer show to me. I understood them. They had been hurt by some young crush or long relationship during their years of term time trying to prepare themselves for adult life. Now where was that degree and course about how to handle What To Do When Life Sucks?

Nothing can prepare you for breakups, what to do with the items your ex has left at your place, or how you will be welling when you find your ex’s tee-shirt in the laundry from when you had that perfect summer together. No. Nothing can get you ready, mind or heart. Your friends can support you. A rebound will comfort your ego for 24hours. But nothing can erase the memories or closeness you shared. My friends frequently ask how I do it so easily. Well, not that I am proud of the “Ice Queen” moniker, I simply learn to accept things as they are. This applies to everything in life. Of course I have great expectation and aspirations, dreams and goals. But I also know when to accept, adapt to move on. You have to. Else you will wake up from a tear soaked pillow realising that the world hasn’t stopped and that life does go on. Time is that funny thing and saying it to a younger person, will not help, as what time have they possibly earned at such a young age? It not as straight forward as 4days and 2 hours to get over that ex. No, along with it, does come the lump in the throat and sharp pain in the chest, but you then have the experience, when you look at it in daylight, realising that it weren’t meant to be. That these pains you feel, is what makes you.

Baggage is what you gain and pick up. Bags of experience. But what you mustn’t do, is take them into your new person’s home. Yes you may bring them in from the cold into the warm and new hallway, but perhaps try putting them down a bit. You may feel your shoulders a bit lighter and you’re freer to move about a bit and explore new thoughts and feelings. Its that coaxing, without pressure, as some people feel the need to hold securely what they knew, how familiar things were, at the same time, you just have to be patient, everyone has a rucksack, some may have an extra holdall, or packed long term, but eventually, they will accumulate, you cannot hold more than your two arms carry. So whoever you find next, to reassure you, to make you feel safe and most of all, happy, you will slowly find no reason to not let go. 

I’ve seen horribly helplessly from the side where I am passing over the new cube of tissues to my male friends, how females have broken up with them repeatedly for not remembering what she likes on the menu. Thing is it happens on both sides, when they bring up, that their exes knew what they liked. Ouch.

But does baggage allowance dependent on the age of the aircraft carrier? You’d think that the older you are, the more bags you pick up. Some baggage includes children’s school bags and some even nappy satchels. Some may be some high maintenance LV travel trunks or legal divorce briefcases. Baggage is baggage. Yet from comparison of the recent younger men’s 18-30’s flight, not that they were young as that, but you get the metaphor, it seems that with age, you prefer to travel light, you prefer to make the most of each trip, only carrying what essentials you need. You become less materialistic, and valuing what is important in life, which folds as neatly and flat as a subway map into your blazer pocket.

I now ask, would I still go out with these younger men? Is it really all that it cracks up to be? Are they really as fun as I had been promised? I’m obviously not vouching for all younger men in the population. But a handful in such short space of time, surely not. All having some sort of need to offload to me.  If so, could they perhaps check it in in the cloakroom on the way in? Maybe I shouldn’t be as patient and understanding to listen to them pour their hearts. Oh gosh, i just thought of something as I think type this. Maybe its not them, but what they have experienced could be their previous partners weren’t able to listen to their needs.  Hmm. As I reflect this new discovery of thought, the reverse for them to be with an older woman. What would I offer? Someone who knows what they want in life, who is much calmer (than them it seems), who has her own income, is decisive and I guess overall, just knows herself and is happy in her own skin.

Everyone has baggage. I just have to decide whether I am in for the longer haul of checking in larger luggage items, helping and understanding, or whether its a quick stopover and less security checks of what is actually inside the case. The fact I care, but at the same time understand its one of life’s learning curves, surely I am patient enough to be a friend than ban any dodgy looking cases. As 2013 has started great catching up with many friends, I just ask for a smoother flight and no distractions, stresses or turbulence  So along with others, bring your baggage, but make sure you remember pick it back up and next time to pack much much less like a weekend size bag or man bag for the first meet. Remember first dates, no removal boxes…  you’re not moving in.


– xx –

More fish… in the wood work

So I’m one of those whom stay in touch with everyone including exes. Who has the time to make enemies I say.  I discovered someone was attracted to me over Christmas. I hadn’t gotten to know Beanie because we were surrounded by others but he had taken my number to offer me a lift home. After exchanges of messages, he reveals how he feels since meeting me, of he couldn’t stop thinking about me over the busy festive period. I asked if he was involved, and he said sadly yes, he had just started seeing someone for a few dates and didn’t feel what he had hoped with her. He retracted his answer to go for a drink originally, with both of us understanding. I’m not one to want to ruin anything between two people and I offered best wishes for him. I didn’t even know if i liked him yet, but because we would be around each other again next Christmas, I wanted to clear the air and offered I held no resentment and would be still friends.

Then only days ago, on Friday I heard from Beanie Man. He apologised for the delay and he was in town. He had had a few drinks. My mind raced as to why now, why was he contacting me. He no longer was with her. Understood. He hadn’t been able to get me out of his mind.

I was to have a busy weekend. 2013 has been a great start. I had made big decisions in 2012 to take on smaller projects, so I could have more time for me, for my friends and people around me that matter. I have a strong base of friends, but I felt I was always in a rush dashing from one event to the next, that 2013, already I feel a difference, a breath of fresh air catching up with people I haven’t spoken in years and meeting new halves and I’ve yet the challenge of meeting new babies in addition. So i hadn’t had any chance to think if I had thought of Beanie Man or even where I was to be. I made my mind 2013 will be more of a Yes year. I am not on a race to find “The One” as they say. So why not enjoy myself.

“I don’t know how to speak to women, that’s why I’m single” Beanie Man claimed to me. Whoa. How did the conversation between us get so deep already? I must admit, he wasn’t that great at hearing how he sounds. He was one of the younger ones (which I will no doubt have that as one of my posts) but were younger men on a different level of only thinking about themselves? By just that single statement, it somehow stayed in my mind. One minute we are messaging each other, then we are being adult by letting each other get on with your own life, and now he is back in contact. What is it he wants? More to the point, do I still want to know? I guess that statement sticks in my mind, as to why do most younger men feel the need to mention

“I’m not looking for anything serious as I’ve just broken up from a four year relationship” says Grad, after having asked me out for drinks before Christmas.

It’s as if by saying such bold statements, they have built a fence around so that nothing in the slightest was to happen. In my mind, all i can think of is “Hell yeah. Who’s buying first round?” Are relationship issues on men’s minds more than we assume?

I had met Tyler at an Photography exhibition late Autumn last year. He was very kind, a gent. We had hooked up, but I never heard from him again. That is till two days ago over the weekend. So in the space of couple of months, I have had people who I haven’t heard in months, and out of the blue, want to contact me. The only similarities I have between them is they are younger. Tyler contacted me with a what I’d admit to as quite a good apology for his lame action as he didn’t know how to approach me, yet he knew his silence was not at all classy. This was his attempt at correcting such fault that he was aware of. I’ll post more about Tyler, but he wants to talk to me, at the same time, he is saying “I don’t want to lead you on like some dickhead”, “Fun is fun” and in the same breathe he is wanting to be friends and see where we go, being not a fan of casualness. I replied in a swooping message which made him chuckle, that I wasn’t asking him to get married. He laughed saying he just weren’t used to such directness. It hit home for him, that in no way had I suggested commitment, but only a drink and how his New Years was.

How is it young men today are carrying so much baggage so early on?

Beanie’s personality reminds me of one of my exes. The need to state where he is and what it will be, is his way of controlling so he won’t get hurt or be where he doesn’t. I’ve encouraged Grad to get out there, go travel, go meet people. He can’t be wanting to see me, at the same time open up that he has just left a four year relationship. That’s got baggage written all over it. Then we have Tyler. Him wanting to calmly meet me, wants to know me, but doesn’t want to draw sign any papers.

So i have a few possible dates lined up. As Single girl coming back out to play in 2013, I have a strange sense of being in control. I can choose if I want to go on these dates. I can choose what dates as to what an when. After all, it is just a drink. A meeting, face to face, see how we get on. Enjoy several hours together with company. As i clear more diary space for life, it’s important, as dates, more than or just as friends, the people you choose to spend those hours with, should end result make you smile. Laugh even. My perspective is to take it a day at a time. If things weren’t meant to happen, then you never know, timing may not be right and there’s plenty of fish in the wood work….


– xx –

Single. (Not) scared

Last week I heard my friend’s younger brother in law, moan about his birthday was coming. He had posted clearly he was dreading his birthday. I replied asking what the matter was, thinking it was maybe the age. Instead he said he had broken up and he was dreading being single on his birthday. He hates it. I reassured him surely if the breakup was for the right reasons, he should be out celebrating anyway he wants with his new freedom? He could have a mad one and not worry about only couplely things, non? It seemed not. I saw others had replied that his problem was that he falls for anyone within the first hour of meeting them. I remembered how he had once long ago, at the mutual engagement party asked for my number. To me he’s like my little brother, part of the family now.

I thought about how people tend not to want to be single for birthdays, Christmas, or New Years. Valentines day is next month, that I can understand, as commercially, shops and the media do certainly kill any sign of romance left on that day.

I later wondered why were people so worried about being alone on calendar occasions? Is it just London perhaps. New York embraces singletons.

Whether he was with someone or not, it would still be Christmas, or Easter. I may not be a fan of Christmas, but I certainly love New Years! I don’t need to be with someone. This year at midnight, i chose to grab old time friends and go have a good time. Coincidentally  they had recently all broken up, with various halves, but we all had one of the best nights, dancing away and laughing at how cheesy it was. At midnight, we all shouted the countdown and we all gave each other hugs, kisses and within the next second, midnight was gone and it was now 2013. I looked around and wondered how could you ever want to be worried about being alone? There are so many people out there enjoying themselves and having fun. Even when you are with someone, the pressure to do something couplely on those days applies pressure on relationships. Today I asked decided to check on my litte brother and ask how his birthday went. He really appreciated my asking and he replied he had one of the best nights, his brothers and mates all got together and they all went out. I was happy to hear him sound so happy and laughing with him thinking of the night. When you are single, people make the effort for you yourself as an individual. How much more fabulous is that.

I know many female friends who complain about the lack of men, or who are conscious about their biological clock but it seems men are just as much in desire for company to make them feel worthy.


– xx –

Man-Sized about things


“Man-Flu” when the whole world, and headline news has the prime time coverage of how “my legs will drop off if I try to make myself a cup of tea on my own” and “my forehead is over a hundred degrees”. Please.

I’ve been figuring out how often or frequent I should blog. One moment I have too many amusing tales to share, then the other hand, is deciding what would have that same reaction in cold text than in that moment itself. Apologies for I’ve been caught with the Winter bug myself and only resurfaced yesterday. Unlike Man-Flu, I tend to seek solace. I need to be left alone. Period.

I’ve always been practical minded. There’s no point moaning about your pains or problems when they aren’t a professional in medicine to assist in a solution. I tend to find my tracksuit joggers and layer up with sweatshirts and comfortable tees. Hair tied in ponytail and just get on to making batches of vegetable soup, fruit at hand and just try to get through the period as quick and painless as possible. I will always have fresh air breezing in, as I believe that in a heated room, you will only trap germs and worse yet create the perfect breeding ground for them as a new tenant.

This is where being a bachorlette is ideal. Why would I want my other half see me looking like this? I don’t wear much makeup anyway, so I have no face to hide. But the point being, I need to veg out under my blanket and just be in peace. Head pounding, I don’t need to be asked “How are you feeling?” or “Do you need anything?” every ten seconds, and this would be coming from considerate partners. Can you imagine if I had children to tend to, extra mouths to cook and feed, “where’s my clean shirt?” and “why are we out of milk?”

My immune system is awful. Always has been. This had started from the moment last week, and I know exactly when. I was on the train when this gentleman decided to be rude and cough completely in my face The-Green-Mile stylee. Thanks. My worse habit is my insomnia, I’ve had it all my life as far as I remember, from having an overactive mind. It’s always thinking, pondering, solving, ticking away. Pretty harmless, as I lead an active and alert life. It’s only a problem when situations like early flights or when I need to shut my body down to repair from being poorly. Being single when poorly is great, as I don’t have to worry about whether my constant blowing my pink nose will keep him awake at night, or whether he can hear my louder breathing, as you’re either blowing out to breathe, or if you stop doing that, you have to leave your mouth open before suffocating yourself at night. Which I’m sure if I had someone next to me, the pillow may be the weapon of choice in several hours. No i definitely raise to vote being single when you are unwell is perfect. No worries about leaving my crumpled Kleenex Balsam tissues next to me.

But one of the sweetest things was when few friends of mine decided to surprise me by dropping off a Care Package! How sweet! It had Orange Jaffa cakes, Orange Juice, packets of more Kleenex Balsam, mini Kipling’s for sugar energy and Lucozade aka my savior when I’m unwell. I had to post this, thanking them for their kindness. It’s the thought that counts. So now, my head is clearer from being days of being fuzzy, showered, redone my nails with a slick of clear varnish, hair washed, and out of the joggers and sweatshirt, and feeling ready to take on the world. Day two of feeling more alive, okay I still have this odd Mariella Frostrop vocal chords as if I have had a carton of Menthol cancer sticks all day. So who needs another half around, when I can get well by myself. Or when you have Jaffa cakes delivered, and oh.. did I mention, I have a new date next week. Recovery perfect timing…


– xx –

Mr and Mrs. Facebook

Single. Engaged. Married. Separated. Divorced. Where is “Started to see someone”, or “Not looking right now” How about “Single father and difficult to date?” I’ve lost count the number of times people tease is that your new man? Or who’s the new fella. Why do we feel the need to have a title of what level you are at? It shouldn’t become a race or comparison with others, and if it were a race, who says everyone is aiming to be Married status?

I’ve had a friend who went on one date, and during it had changed their relationship status as “In a Relationship” before the dinner was over.

I have a rule where I will not have anyone I am intimately involved on any of social networks, especially Facebook. I remain friends with my exes and all is great. Though it does not go to say that everyone has that fortune, and there will also be the exe’s new half. Or your current beau. It digs up photographs of the past and questions such as who they are, do they look happier back then, where was I in that photo, or the comparison thought of do I resemble or look better than he or she? Whether you are a couple that is open to each other, with nothing to hide, there will always be niggling thoughts at the back of your mind, that starts to create that little green monster in everyone. You need to feel secure or have the knowledge that you are first in his life.

This has happened to myself, where I have seen people, and they build arguments based on an innocent picture taken when everyone is having a great time at a party or seated at a dinner party. “Who’s that with his  arm around you?”, “That guy is definitely trying it on, look how sleazy he is” eeer.. that is my fitness instructor? or my cousins uncle? I cannot have anyone that is feeling like that and more so, saying unpleasant untrue things about people that matter to me over some small jealousy for the need to have control and be possessive  Who that person is when we go out who smiled at me for holding the door, or why do i have to be friends with him. I did the reassuring thing, but arguments after arguments over nothing, can be draining and watching what you wear for the sake of preventing that “look” on the way out on a night with the girls, was simply not for me. He had to go. Another one bites the dust.

A friend of mine The Ref had broken up with his ex, The Gem. The Ref and The Gem had parted mutually. She wasn’t for him. They were constantly bickering, on and off like a lighthouse light in the storms. When they finally parted, you’d think The Ref would be able to move on. He had thought it was nice to remain friends afterwards and keep her on Facebook. Big mistake. The Gem began trawling through The Ref’s pictures knowing what he would be up to on an hourly basis, now that she was no longer seeing him. It was as if a monster had taken over her. She would message and then go through The Ref’s’ friend’s Facebook pages and girlfriend’s timelines and updates, and then get on the phone accusing who these females were and then end up shouting and then in tears. This was not good. This was not healthy. Looking out for our friend, we had to tell The Ref, he had to not remain friends with her on Facebook. She was beginning to lose sight of reality and needs to start afresh. If she can’t do it on her own, we highlighted that she may need his help. Last time our group caught up with The Ref, he informs us that The Gem one day all of a sudden just removed herself from his Facebook. Two years later. Good for her.

So for me. My Facebook is ex free and i can be myself, smile whomever, share whatever shots, put up any status updates I want, and best of all, I keep my status and private life just that, private.


– xx –

Before you nothing else matters. Nothing.

Im not a stranger to having friends by either gender, good friends I mean. Following on from wedding theme, I tend to notice, the looks you get from your newly married good friend (who happens to be male)’s new partner when he tells her he’s just going down the pub with a few friends. I’ve lost sight of many good friends, who aren’t allowed or best not to “just meet up with friends”. Sad I know. I simply have to accept that it’s not me, but a lack of security and trust between them.

This one incident intrigues many of us who had formed a particular close knit gang for many years, spent evenings playing games, travelled abroad together, and celebrated crazy birthdays and family occasions together. We all basically grew up like the Wonder Years gang. We began to recently notice in the past year or so, is we began to see less of him. More worryingly so was when one of our friends was instructed by the wife

“that we don’t talk about certain holidays”, because this was before her arrival into our friend’s life.

She is a sweetheart and stunningly attractive. Yet to her (lets call her Miss Green), and our group, we are not to bring up anything pre-Green. No memories, no laughs, no stories. She doesnt want to feel left out I suspect. But there are many things that have happened pre-Green. For instance, the beautiful wedding of our other friends, the hilarious school days when we used to run riots in the science labs, or when we each bought our first cars, pushing it the limits as The Stig, the evolution of friendships and relationships are built from memories, and history. To her these things do not exist. It’s a shame I say. Yes there may be skeletons you are not ready to face, but you cannot erase your half’s past, just because you were not in it.

I say embrace every little thing you learn about your girlfriend or husband. That is the best bit, as you get to know them a bit better. Them wanting to share means that they trust you and want you to be part of their life. Everything that has happened, has happened. You cannot keep the worlds pre-Green and post-Green apart as much as you’d like control. You may not understand the school jokes, but get to know them, as you would only be bottling and suffocating the richness and personality of what makes them unique and special to you, and it will be you the one who isn’t sharing or understanding the jokes and be standing alone.


– xx –

The Wedding Guest + 1

Received fabulous news from another happy couple, messaging she has had a proposal on New Years Eve and she is still stunned. I love it. I love it when genuine couples get it together. I’m not saying not all couple aren’t genuine  but from where I am standing, I often listen to upset female friends and unhappy male friends, who are stuck with their gold bands around their finger. I often wonder why they don’t seek help, talk to each other about it, and do something about it. I see it as two lives made unhappy and staying together for the sake of a child, or because of the negative connotation of being single. A child would benefit much greater from two happy parents and as long as there is a strong supportive network, that bestows real love for them, then that is a family for them.

In the post I also opened a “Save The Date” invitation. Wonderful news. It states “Invitations to follow”. It’s on the first week of 2013 and I wonder if there will be more weddings than last year. My +1, who I call “Arm Candy” is abroad for the past few months. He would be back by the “date”. Then again, am I thinking, by then I could very well bring someone special along. Me and Arm Candy know our friendship and rules, and nothing more. Whereas if I brought a guest, a +1. I don’t want him to go home thinking the relationship is in leaps and bounds already.

At the same time, my friend’s wedding photographs will be a milestone, a memory for grandchildren and generations to come, when they look at that and ask who that is next to me.

No. I think it would be best if I save the wedding funds of the happy married couples and not let them waste it on a may-not-be-long-term-man. The bride to be is German. I wonder if the wedding will be here or overseas. I enjoy experiencing new cultures and traditions of occasions  such colour, outfits and rituals, when you see the whole family come together.

I love how creative friends have been with each of their invites. Each making their new status as a couple to be. Maybe I should have saved them all. That’s when I wonder how little girls have built their “dream wedding box”. Full of cutouts, sketches, and wishes for how their big day will be. For me, I wonder how is that possible when you don’t even know who you will end up with? And what about those who have married 2-3 times already. Should you have a “2nd dream wedding box” ready?

For me, it adds up. Accommodation, travel, outfit, wedding gift, if you want to get hair done, shoes etc. You can’t be seen clashing with the bridesmaids or the colours of mother-in-law! I once overheard in the ladies at one, where they felt they had seen it all, and they could name where the bride had got her table accessories from. No matter how personal you try to make your big day, in the long run, you try to give the impression everything is spotless and of fresh petals. I love weddings of the joy it brings to tearful parents watching their son or daughter joining another family. I’ve seen the stresses between friendships and relationships as the preparations come together. I won’t go into that today. But just remember how you felt when you had that special moment, of being proposed and just the two of you, agreeing to be theirs – so forget extra flowers at the head table, or who to bring, your wonderful friends wanting to be together – that is what weddings should be about.


– xx –